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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:33 pm 
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stephanie, that's so forked up. I feel like there should be some sort of action you can take to rectify this situation and help with the debt, but given the state of things now I'm sure there isn't. Maybe if you claim financial hardship the hospital can help?

Antlers, when I went in to talk to someone they gave me the option of therapy or drugs (and some therapy) and I chose therapy. But if I had chosen drugs they wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. Definitely try to talk to someone! They may be more willing to help you find some meds that work for you than you think.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:11 pm 
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Christ almighty, that is horrifying Stephanie :[


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:22 pm 
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Wow Stephanie, I am so sorry that happened to you. That is absolutely terrifying.

Your psychiarist sounds like she overstepped her bounds, and I'm wondering if you considered lodging a complaint against her.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:50 am 
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holy forking shiitake, Stephanie, that is so awful. I want to hug you so hard. Like Tofulish said, the psychiatrist overstepped the boundaries of what is professional conduct. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

Antlers, I totally get what you mean about being afraid to read this thread. I hardly even read the thread because I'm afraid it will be triggering, but sometimes I read it and it's comforting. It all depends on the day.

Hugs to everyone. <3

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:44 am 
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My brain seems to be coming down well from my recent stress but my body is struggling. My (normally dormant) IBS has flared up and I've lost about 3lbs since Sunday. I am eating but it's mostly toast and flapjacks because of the nausea. I need to try to make something nutritious that I can stomach.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:59 am 
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I had a bit of a... er... moment yesterday, but I staved off a full panic attack. That said, I'm going to go get my blood sugar and stuff checked out on Monday to rule out the fear lurking in the back of my head that something actually is wrong (besides anxiety).


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 12:17 pm 
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i sometimes have panic attacks during the day, but i have them every night without fail just as i'm about to go asleep, it takes me several times of trying to go asleep to actually get asleep. i don't know if it's that serious or i should tell my doctor or anything. i drink too much coffee, so.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 12:45 pm 
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You know, I didn't mention it because I felt silly about it, but when I went to that Pokémon thing last month (or whenever it was), I had a major anxiety success: I rode the light rail from near my house to downtown by myself. (A short trip, but a long journey. I am interesting.)

I felt silly about it because, while my anxiety is under control now and has been for many years, there are still things I fear and avoid. (Which I guess means my anxiety isn't under control?) Riding public transportation by myself is one of those things. "What if I realize I MUST get off the bus or the train RIGHT NOW and can't?!"

I had panicky thoughts and feelings, but got through them before they could develop into something nasty. I felt really proud of myself!

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 2:03 pm 
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I make jokes about looking forward to spending Christmas alone, but every time I think about it, my chest tightens. I know that if I avoid Christmas activities, it will be a Major Issue. But I can't bring myself to fake it with someone I haven't spoken to in six months just because it's a holiday. But it will be worse if I don't go. But the reasons not to go outweigh any reasons as to why I would want to (no vegan food, no one to talk to, it's already not that fun).

I haven't even bought a single christmas gift yet because I don't know what's going to happen. I usually start trolling etsy in early November and have all of my gifts bought by now. I love buying gifts and it's not even a money issue because I can find good, cheap gifts.

This is all very vague. Oh well.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 2:16 pm 
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FootFace wrote:
You know, I didn't mention it because I felt silly about it, but when I went to that Pokémon thing last month (or whenever it was), I had a major anxiety success: I rode the light rail from near my house to downtown by myself. (A short trip, but a long journey. I am interesting.)

I felt silly about it because, while my anxiety is under control now and has been for many years, there are still things I fear and avoid. (Which I guess means my anxiety isn't under control?) Riding public transportation by myself is one of those things. "What if I realize I MUST get off the bus or the train RIGHT NOW and can't?!"

I had panicky thoughts and feelings, but got through them before they could develop into something nasty. I felt really proud of myself!


That is something to be proud about! I feel the same way about almost all public transit. I'm working on it, but it's stressful to know that you're in a situation that you can't escape from at will!


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 2:49 pm 
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FootFace wrote:
You know, I didn't mention it because I felt silly about it, but when I went to that Pokémon thing last month (or whenever it was), I had a major anxiety success: I rode the light rail from near my house to downtown by myself. (A short trip, but a long journey. I am interesting.)

I felt silly about it because, while my anxiety is under control now and has been for many years, there are still things I fear and avoid. (Which I guess means my anxiety isn't under control?) Riding public transportation by myself is one of those things. "What if I realize I MUST get off the bus or the train RIGHT NOW and can't?!"

I had panicky thoughts and feelings, but got through them before they could develop into something nasty. I felt really proud of myself!


That used to be one of my major triggers as well. Good for you for doing it!

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:38 pm 
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FootFace wrote:
You know, I didn't mention it because I felt silly about it, but when I went to that Pokémon thing last month (or whenever it was), I had a major anxiety success: I rode the light rail from near my house to downtown by myself. (A short trip, but a long journey. I am interesting.)

I felt silly about it because, while my anxiety is under control now and has been for many years, there are still things I fear and avoid. (Which I guess means my anxiety isn't under control?) Riding public transportation by myself is one of those things. "What if I realize I MUST get off the bus or the train RIGHT NOW and can't?!"

I had panicky thoughts and feelings, but got through them before they could develop into something nasty. I felt really proud of myself!


it's nothing to feel silly about at all! it's pretty great, really. kind of a big deal.

i've had my anxiety under control for a few months now (and for about a year and a bit before that, until it came back full force, seemingly out of nowhere), and public transit is still one thing that if anything is going to, seems to trigger it. i take it daily, often multiple times, but some days are really hard. at subway stops, i'll calm down, but as soon as we start moving to the next stop, i'll start thinking "oh no, what if i don't make it to the next stop? what if i need to get off NOW?", and then the next stop comes a minute later, and we're all good. and so on for the 18 stops until i get to school or work.

99% of the trips i make now are fine (and anxiety in general, is fine), but there's usually a bit of nervousness when i'm walking down to the train, you know, is today going to be hard?


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:16 am 
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Yes! My life is so different now, anxiety-wise, from 10 years ago. Many of the things that used to tie me up in knots just don't have that kind of power anymore. But some still do. Maybe they always will.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:23 am 
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FootFace wrote:
Yes! My life is so different now, anxiety-wise, from 10 years ago. Many of the things that used to tie me up in knots just don't have that kind of power anymore. But some still do. Maybe they always will.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and paying attention to how people without anxiety talk about things they don't like to do or are afraid of and I think it's okay to still or always have something that makes you uncomfortable. I think everyone has something they avoid to some extent and I think it's totally normal. People who don't otherwise deal with anxiety are pretty good at accepting ther limitations, whereas I often feel like I should want to do everything before I can consider myself recovered.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:17 am 
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Anxiety is a horrible thing, like a living nightmare really, the only thing that helped me was taking xanex then I realized just knowing I have it in case of a panic attack was enough. I won't leave the house without some in my purse. I guess the psychological aspect of just knowing it's there helps me. I rarely ever need it now. Breathing techniques and meditation help the most.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:26 pm 
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bobdylan wrote:
i sometimes have panic attacks during the day, but i have them every night without fail just as i'm about to go asleep, it takes me several times of trying to go asleep to actually get asleep. i don't know if it's that serious or i should tell my doctor or anything. i drink too much coffee, so.

it seems serious because it's interrupting your daily life!
whether or not you decide to tell your doctor, have you thought about giving up coffee? i did last summer and not only did it help my anxiety, it helps me sleep a lot better and easier.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 5:53 pm 
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I just had my very first panic attack today. I seriously felt like I was going to die.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 6:54 pm 
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stephanie come live with me i'll be your batman

hugs to everyone.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 12:31 am 
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emshell wrote:
bobdylan wrote:
i sometimes have panic attacks during the day, but i have them every night without fail just as i'm about to go asleep, it takes me several times of trying to go asleep to actually get asleep. i don't know if it's that serious or i should tell my doctor or anything. i drink too much coffee, so.

it seems serious because it's interrupting your daily life!
whether or not you decide to tell your doctor, have you thought about giving up coffee? i did last summer and not only did it help my anxiety, it helps me sleep a lot better and easier.


i'd like to not rely on it the way i do, but i also know that i don't really want to quit drinking it, you know? :/


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:35 pm 
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waxwolf wrote:
I just had my very first panic attack today. I seriously felt like I was going to die.

aw sorry, waxwolf. definitely VERY scary. <3


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:47 pm 
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Hugs to everyone in this thread! Anxiety sucks so hard, but you're not alone.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:46 am 
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I've felt very detached/depersonalized for a few days now. Like I'm watching my life but I'm not engaging in it. I know it's a symptom of anxiety, but damn, it's so scary. As I was laying in bed last night, I felt like I was having an out of body experience...so freaky. This is what happens to me after I endure a long period of stress - it's like my body's coping mechanism is to take me out of reality.

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Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumbles
Is this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:32 am 
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paprikapapaya wrote:
I've felt very detached/depersonalized for a few days now. Like I'm watching my life but I'm not engaging in it. I know it's a symptom of anxiety, but damn, it's so scary. As I was laying in bed last night, I felt like I was having an out of body experience...so freaky. This is what happens to me after I endure a long period of stress - it's like my body's coping mechanism is to take me out of reality.


I absolutely know what you mean. I feel like I've been like this for a while now, but it came to a head with the panic attack that came out of seemingly nowhere. I think I've been neglecting my emotions for too long; I slowly went numb, and now the neglected emotions are back to bite me in the asparagus.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:35 am 
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I am trying to be brave enough to write in this thread again!

Thanks for all of the kind words and sentiments, everyone. I can't claim financial hardship because they only use pre-tax income (not counting payments for mortgage, car, gas/electric, etc.) when they decide how much you can afford -- they initially decided that I had the ability to pay in $1,000 installments, which sounds insane, but they were not forking around. In fact, since my ability to pay was repeatedly brought up during my stay, it really seemed like the reason I was staying was because they knew I would pay for it. The total bill was almost $30,000. I'm just making $25/month payments to everyone (all 8 providers -- ???) because that's the minimum that is allowed, and I just trash all the "we need more money from you!!!!!!" letters and voicemails as they come. The best part was that I was still getting new bills over 6 months after I got out of the hospital, and I had no idea what they were for. None of the billing departments would give me itemized bills, it would just be something like "$865 due for: SERVICES PROVIDED."
I know it isn't true, but I felt like the hospital staff knew I didn't have the energy to fight fight fight fight fight like I needed to, and that I don't have a monetary or social support system in place to help do that fighting for/with me, so I was just going to pay because I have a deep-seated compunction that demands I pay bills that people tell me to pay. Every check I write is a reminder, every check brings back the terror of involuntary confinement and forced medication, but this is just the way it is now. On the off-chance I ever manage to pull myself out of this mess, I'll be glad. And tired. Very, very tired.

PP, many hugs to you. I know exactly how that bizarre sense of depersonalization feels, and it's seriously terrifying. After I got out of the hospital the last time, I woke up on my first morning home completely convinced that I was literally dead -- I checked my pulse obsessively, half-expecting my heart to have stopped beating every time. My brain just couldn't deal with what had just occurred, so it took me to a place where I didn't believe that anything was real, so I could feel like a passive observer for a while and try to get my shiitake together. It stayed that way for about 6 weeks. I still check my pulse sometimes.
I'm a longtime atheist, but the sentiment of "let go and let god" helps me through times like this: there are circumstances that I cannot control, that I will never be able to control, and that is okay. It is going to be okay because it has to be okay; if it isn't, then I just have to accept everything as it is because there is no other option.
I hope you feel better soon.

I really wish I could see a GP and get a scrip for some anti-anxiety medication, because I clearly need it, but now that I know that anyone can involuntarily hospitalize you based on their word and their word alone, I'll never speak to a doctor about what's going on in my brain ever again. Which means that when the panic hits, it's just me and valerian tea. It's just not a fun way to live.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 9:23 am 
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So many hugs to all of you dealing with this.

Stephanie, this may sound out of left field, but have you considered writing a letter of complaint against the doctor and sending it to the hospital (director, ombudsman, PR depts), the state department of health and human services, your congressman, and anyone else you're comfortable sending it to? If she's board certified, then the board too? licensing office? This doctor traumatized you, you will no longer seek care, you will be paying this off for years, it's ridiculous. She should answer for that.

I am posting because for the first time in about 2 years I had a full blown panic attack- and then the inevitable followup- can't sleep, can't eat, etc. I feel like i've been hit by a bus but just lay in bed blinking and panting when i try to rest.
What kills me is that the trigger was something that wasn't really a big deal- we have to move, our landlord showed up and we have to move in the next month or two. No biggie, we knew it was coming, but it completely spun out of control and i ended up huddled in bed hyperventilating and sure that my melanomas are back, sure that my spouse is going to die and i'll be on my own, i'll never get to visit my mom again, etc. My hands are shaking just writing this, maybe it's a bit too soon to talk about.
The thing that really gets me is that i used to handle anxiety about far more distressing things, on an ongoing basis, for years at a time. Yes, it did make me sick, yes, it took a big toll, but this is small beans compared to the old stuff.

Anyway, what I did today was call up my best friend and spend an hour or two on the phone. she's usually good at making me see reason- she's just planned her own funeral so it was a good time to talk to her, put things in perspective. then i'm going to take a shower, and go exercise with the dogs. i have to work tonight and hope i can get my shiitake together by then. the exercise usually helps.
Since i haven't had an attack in so long i don't have any meds, i don't have a provider, nothing. I'm not sure if i should start looking again, or just take a forking breath already and just take one moment at at time. i am going to go with the latter i think.

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