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 Post subject: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:05 am 
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Saggy Butt
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Can I hear from some PPKers that live with their partners? Since I started uni last year I've been very used to doing things on my own, and as a result I get a bit tetchy when my boyfriend's staying with me and I don't get a certain degree of space. Is it hard to balance when you live with somebody, and does everyone get that or am I getting all independanty?

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:21 am 
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I remember when I first lived with my husband I would go bonkers because I'm super tidy and he would leave things laying around or be messy. I would get upset and say "This is our home, not a barn, not a workshop!!"
I've been married ten years and the biggest hurdle my husband and I have had is being "team players" but we pulled thru and are still together.

Looking back the thing that is most important is don't keep it inside, don't get emotional, think about constructive ways to solve problems or express what's bothering you. Stay calm, remember men love to help the damsel in distress not coward down to a dragon ;-)

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:40 am 
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Level 7 Vegan
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I think what you're feeling is normal. In my experience, having both bad and good relationships, alone time is necessary to do whatever you want to do without feeling like you need to negotiate or make the other person happy or whatever. It also helps you to appreciate the time you do spend with your significant other.


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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:03 am 
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It can be a challenge. And I really don't have answers. But I will say that communication is critical. If you are having a difficult time with one particular thing, let him know, in a non angry way.
And it is okay to say you need "Alien" time. Time for you to just be alone. It is okay to ask that one space in the combined space be for you to decorate or use or what ever, and the same goes for him.

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:31 am 
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My two biggest pieces of advice:
+ get two bedrooms
+ keep separate checking accounts and add a joint account for joint expenses

I am as independent as they come, and I've lived with my boyfriend for about 4 years now. We just bought a house together, so I guess we're in it for the long haul. Having separate rooms where we can each go do our own thing/make our own messes, undeterred by the judgment of the other person, has been key. I also have the kind of partner who -- euphemistically speaking -- is not often moved to do housework, so chore charts are also a good idea.
You really need to sit down and have a talk about how to split the chores and bills before you make the big move, especially if one of you likes to keep a tidy house and the other simply doesn't care, or one of you makes a lot more money than the other.

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:38 am 
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Thinks Plants Have Feelings

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Posts: 61
after reading Stephanie's post I think I should add that she gives good advice if you are the independent type, maybe your boyfriend is too?

I'm very maternal and my husband likes that so Stephanie's advice wouldn't work for me but I have a number of friends who do exactly what Stephanie does and it works great.

I guess you have to find what works for you ;-)

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:42 am 
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I think a lot of people feel similarly. Communication really is the key here.

It also can help to talk about household chores etc. and see if someone prefers x over y. I hate doing the dishwasher for example, so my bf does it, but I'll do the hoovering or whatever.

Everyone needs their own space, so make sure you've both got areas of the house you can chill in without the other.

Also, I don't know if you're like me in this, but I have a tendency to bottle stuff up until little annoyances suddenly become major annoyances. So if he keeps doing something that annoys you, tell him. Nicely!

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:02 am 
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Lots of good advice here. All I can add is that it took a while before I moved in with my boyfriend because I had some independence questions too. He asked me to move in together a year into our relationship, but I waited another year before going through with it. Taking your time to make this decision won't hurt anyone.

Baby steps, you know? Get used to him spending the night first. Then, if you are ready to move on together and you are still worried, get a rental with a 6 month lease that can be renewed after that. Let your partner know that you plan on spending the same amount of time with friends or alone as you did before. Just remember that if it doesn't feel good, you can go back to the way things were. Your partner might not feel happy about that, but you gotta do what's right for you.


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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 3:42 pm 
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I've lived with my partner for a couple of years now. I'm super independent a lot of the time, whereas he needs a lot more affection and never feels like he needs to be on his own. It's just a matter of communicating your needs so that nothing is misconstrued. I used to sometimes push him away a bit when I needed my space, and he would worry about what that meant. But I've realised that if I just let him know that I need some 'me time', he's always totally fine with it- he just appreciates knowing that he hasn't done anything wrong.

Other than that, a lot of it is trial and error, and figuring out what people's strengths are. He used to manage our budget for the first year we lived together, but he always forgot to pay bills and factor certain things into it. I'm much more organised in that sense, so I've taken over this year and it's been much easier. You figure out these kinds of things as you go.

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 4:11 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Alien wrote:
Can I hear from some PPKers that live with their partners? Since I started uni last year I've been very used to doing things on my own, and as a result I get a bit tetchy when my boyfriend's staying with me and I don't get a certain degree of space. Is it hard to balance when you live with somebody, and does everyone get that or am I getting all independanty?


Is he living with you permanently or just staying with you for a weekend here and there?

If its just odd weekends, then yes, its completely normal, because you have your routine and even someone you love can make you feel unbalanced when they throw you off your comfortable routine and habits, especially when your space is set up for one not two people.

And yes, its completely normal to have an adjustment period when you start living together, because you're finding your way :) There is a ton of good advice here on how to manage it, but in my experience as long as you cut each other slack and accept that just because it isn't perfect all the time doesn't mean you don't love eachother it will all be fine.

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:11 pm 
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We don't live together, but my dude and I spend most nights with each other, usually at his apartment now because he has an awesome new couch.

The thing is, I am messier than he is, so he picks up after me. It works quite well.


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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:16 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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I've lived with my dearest manly man for a year and a half. The first year was shared with two housemates, and now it's just us and the kitties.

I really love it! We do have arguments about silly things (how could you buy that pot? It's awful and makes my eyes die!) but everyone does, and it's actually worked out really well. I love it!

I do agree with what other people have been saying: you need a spare room for some alone time, even if it's only a "I just need to read a book in peace".

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 Post subject: Re: Living with a partner
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:33 pm 
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bathsheba wrote:
We don't live together, but my dude and I spend most nights with each other, usually at his apartment now because he has an awesome new couch.

The thing is, I am messier than he is, so he picks up after me. It works quite well.


This is a lot like my case. I've got a decent sized place to my self, and he lives in a co-op house. He sleeps over at my place most of the time unless one of us is sick. It works out well since he lives 5 minutes away and on the way in to campus in the morning. It seems like we live together a lot, but we don't and if I need time with the girls, he gets it.

I think that I'm more money conscious than he is, so that'll be an interesting discussion to have eventually. Just being open is important. We can talk about pretty much anything, which we have done a lot recently since I've had some various girly health issues.


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