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 Post subject: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:01 pm 
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I think I got an un-vitation today. From my brother. For Christmas dinner. What. The. fork.

My brother and I live in Toronto, our parents do not, but they are coming to Toronto for Christmas this year. My brother recently got engaged and his fiancée's parents invited us all over for Christmas dinner. I called him today to talk about plans, and we were talking about Christmas dinner. For reasons too complicated to explain here but which basically boil down to, "I think I hate your fiancée," I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal." What? Yeah, because it's IMPOSSIBLE to have mashed potatoes without butter. Even though we all made Christmas dinner together last year and he knows exactly how forking easy it is to leave butter off things. And if the hosts are gracious enough to leave butter off things so I can eat them, I can bring a fabulous vegan entrée that everyone raves about anyway and then fights over the leftovers.

And to make matters worse, I was complaining about the un-vitation to a friend/co-worker today, and she made a face. I was all, "What? Am I being obnoxious?" And she kinda said I was. I said, "What would you do if you have someone with dietary requirements over?" She said, "They can eat whatever I make, or they can not eat, or they can eat their own food." Um, SERIOUSLY? That's the last time I bring you vegan cupcakes that you INHALE.

In short, I am kindof appalled at how inconsiderate some people can be. To my face, even.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:07 pm 
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Do you have a way to contact the hosts and ask them if you can bring them a tub of EB to use for the sides?

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:12 pm 
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I agree with you, and I know that it is a real source of unhappiness for me with my mother-in-law.

I just feel like if you invite me home, hospitality would dictate that you make food that I can share with you, especially if you're my family. It feels like a ridiculous amount of work to have to make a full meal, transport it over to someone's home and then eat it as everyone else eats something different. And isn't the whole point to share food?

My mother-in-law's position is that she is providing a lovely meal and if people want something different they are free to bring it, which is pretty much the same as your coworker and my husband, who can't understand why going over to her house with my own food doesn't make me feel like a loved part of the family.

It sounds like something else is going on with your brother and his fiancee though, because you've made the meal before (was that with his future inlaws as well?) and he he knows that it isn't that hard.

But you don't want to go anyway, right?

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:19 pm 
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I guess on the bright side you have another reason not go to (not the vegan thing, but the fact that he's acting like a tool)!


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:25 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
hospitality


It seems that nearly every relative/friend/host ever discussed on this board has no idea what this word means anymore. Scares me about the greater population. I really thing this concept has been banished to the basement along with cassettes and VCRs.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:26 pm 
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i understand why it's a frustrating thing to hear, but you were looking for a way to get out of it, right? so...yay?


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:34 pm 
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You host a dinner, you provide for all. You invite people, you make sure everyone is included in the festivities. How hard is that to understand?

I don't understand when people invite someone over for dinner and then say, "Make sure you bring something you can eat." You're the host, you are supposed to make sure that everyone is included.

At least you're out of it though?

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:37 pm 
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This would count as polite from my family. My grandma calls to remind me to bring my own meal every time I go over to her house.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:41 pm 
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Fee wrote:
This would count as polite from my family. My grandma calls to remind me to bring my own meal every time I go over to her house.


Is it weird that I could accept that easier from my family (who still treat me as a child) than people who are not my family?

Not that I have that as an issue, my stepmother makes tons of vegan food and stocks the fridge with vegan food, because she thinks its part of the hospitality you show a guest in your home.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:45 pm 
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Is it an unvitation if you pretty much asked for it?

But anyway, I love cooking for people with different dietary requirements, like gluten free or whatever. I take it as a challenge. But I might just be weird like that. But I also get that some people don't like the challenge- they see Christmas dinner as a super big deal, and the one time they really cook something elaborate, and that's enough pressure for them without having to throw something they don't really understand into the mix. I agree that it would be nice for people to cater for you, and I love it when people do that for me, but I try to be pretty easygoing when they don't.

My partner's mother, for example, doesn't really like to cook, but still does the Christmas thing. So I try to help her out, like I'll cook something at hers that I can eat. That way she has one less thing to worry about, she can see me cooking and realise that vegan food isn't that difficult to make, and also we get to hang out. After having done that a few times, she now wants me to teach her a few recipes.

I don't really know what my point is here. I'm just one of those crazy people that turns up to the most low-key events with food for everyone. 'We're having a team meeting at work? I need to make a cake!'

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:52 pm 
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evolvedtriangle wrote:
I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal."

I could be taking this wrong, but from my reading of your post I could see myself saying something like your brother did. He probably picked up what you were trying to do and was giving it right back. It doesnt sound like he out of the blue uninvited you and went out of his way to be rude. Find Jews and go eat chinese for Christmas. I promise its fun and easy to eat vegan.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:53 pm 
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I get angry when people don't tell me they have allergies before they come to my house and just assume I won't make food for them.

I've pulled gluten free, celiac, allergies to soy, AND allergies to nuts with Vegan dishes before. It makes me feel bad to not provide for all. I wish everyone felt that way.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:56 pm 
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I think that is lovely Errinerung, but is there a difference between you making some nice vegan dishes that everyone can share and bringing your own individual meal? I've brought food to my MILs and no one eats it. So I've made a whole pumpkin ziti and get to take it home at the end.

I would love it if it was like other family members I go to - I bring a vegan dish, there are a ton of other vegan dishes, along with the meat dishes, so there is a ton of great food for me and I feel like I am sharing the meal, I belong and am cared for.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:59 pm 
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What would you like to do ? Would you like to meet your brother's future in-laws with the rest of your family at THE dinner or do you want to avoid the whole saga?

You could meet every one before or after dinner - come with appetizers -visit then leave or come with dessert and or booze and visit after dinner.

After years of trying to deal with non-vegan family/friends, I'm getting better at seeing and developing options to socialize - though sometimes we omit the whole food thing and go do something else like skiing or skating.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:05 pm 
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I don't understand people who think they can have people over to their home and not provide food that they can eat. It just seems inconsiderate to me. Even my grandmother, who isn't in agreement with my veganism, always buys me tofu when I go over to her house.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:07 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:07 pm 
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VeganMeredith wrote:
I don't understand people who think they can have people over to their home and not provide food that they can eat. It just seems inconsiderate to me. Even my grandmother, who isn't in agreement with my veganism, always buys me tofu when I go over to her house.


if she came to your house, would you make her meat? a lot of omnis take the view that you can eat their food, you just don't want to, and they view that as inconsiderate. i'm not saying they're right, i'm just saying.

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Last edited by acr on Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:12 pm 
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rocklobster wrote:
evolvedtriangle wrote:
I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal."

I could be taking this wrong, but from my reading of your post I could see myself saying something like your brother did. He probably picked up what you were trying to do and was giving it right back. It doesnt sound like he out of the blue uninvited you and went out of his way to be rude. Find Jews and go eat chinese for Christmas. I promise its fun and easy to eat vegan.


Yeah, this. It is really inconsiderate (and, sometimes intentionally so) when others won't accomodate your dietary needs after inviting you to dinner. But, would your brother have said this had the conversation not started out with you trying to get out of eating with his fiancee? Was this even about him not caring about your food choices?

Your coworker is just clueless.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:16 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I think that is lovely Errinerung, but is there a difference between you making some nice vegan dishes that everyone can share and bringing your own individual meal? I've brought food to my MILs and no one eats it. So I've made a whole pumpkin ziti and get to take it home at the end.


I guess my mind automatically goes to bringing a whole dish to share. Normal sized portions are for the strong-willed, and that's definitely not me.

All this is making me feel really fortunate that even the hardcore meat-eaters in my life will at least try whatever I bring. It's not like they have an ethical opposition to pasta or something. At least you got a whole baked ziti for yourself, that's a delicious plus!

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:19 pm 
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In our family, I call up whoever's hosting and we plan the menu together. Usually there's still meat but enough of dishes will use rice milk and a veggie-butter. I may bring a dish, but if other people don't, I don't. Still on occasion, I will go out and buy rice milk or daiya for the host and drop it off beforehand.
Also, my great aunt has issues with gluten, so we're used to dietary issues. When they managed to come down for last Easter (from Canada, not a short trip) we hunted down gluten-free crackers for the pie crust and my mom made a special cookie recipe that was meringue-based (none for me obviously, but when I'm my aunt's age I'm sure I'll get priority!). It was a great surprise for her, to be able to eat whatever she wanted at the table. Then we proceeded to drink too much wine, talk too much, probably laugh too loudly. Poor neighbors!

Everyone I love from my friends to my grandma works out something for me. Whatever happened to the guests' pleasure being a host's pleasure?


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:22 pm 
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evolvedtriangle wrote:
And to make matters worse, I was complaining about the un-vitation to a friend/co-worker today, and she made a face. I was all, "What? Am I being obnoxious?" And she kinda said I was. I said, "What would you do if you have someone with dietary requirements over?" She said, "They can eat whatever I make, or they can not eat, or they can eat their own food." Um, SERIOUSLY? That's the last time I bring you vegan cupcakes that you INHALE.

In short, I am kindof appalled at how inconsiderate some people can be. To my face, even.


That's bullshiitake. If the guest in question were diabetic or lactose intolerant or something, she would totally cook for them.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:26 pm 
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If I were to say "the vegan thing..." to anybody I know, I would have gotten the same answer. That comment sounds like you're leading the conversation to that point. Your brother might have just thought you wanted that way out and ended it at that. I wouldn't have been offended I don't think. BUT it's not okay if he was being ungracious. Poo

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:41 pm 
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acr wrote:
VeganMeredith wrote:
I don't understand people who think they can have people over to their home and not provide food that they can eat. It just seems inconsiderate to me. Even my grandmother, who isn't in agreement with my veganism, always buys me tofu when I go over to her house.


if she came to your house, would you make her meat? a lot of omnis take the view that you can eat their food, you just don't want to, and they view that as inconsiderate. i'm not saying they're right, i'm just saying.


Ya that's pretty true, people always point out to me that I CAN eat the food, I just CHOOSE not to. And then it gets into a big debate. Frustrating.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:52 pm 
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VeganMeredith wrote:
acr wrote:
VeganMeredith wrote:
I don't understand people who think they can have people over to their home and not provide food that they can eat. It just seems inconsiderate to me. Even my grandmother, who isn't in agreement with my veganism, always buys me tofu when I go over to her house.


if she came to your house, would you make her meat? a lot of omnis take the view that you can eat their food, you just don't want to, and they view that as inconsiderate. i'm not saying they're right, i'm just saying.


Ya that's pretty true, people always point out to me that I CAN eat the food, I just CHOOSE not to. And then it gets into a big debate. Frustrating.

Would this apply to a Kosher guest? I feel like to a certain degree we're in the same boat. Physically, yes, could we eat it, but it's an issue with beliefs.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:54 pm 
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AshleyUndone wrote:
VeganMeredith wrote:
acr wrote:

if she came to your house, would you make her meat? a lot of omnis take the view that you can eat their food, you just don't want to, and they view that as inconsiderate. i'm not saying they're right, i'm just saying.


Ya that's pretty true, people always point out to me that I CAN eat the food, I just CHOOSE not to. And then it gets into a big debate. Frustrating.

Would this apply to a Kosher guest? I feel like to a certain degree we're in the same boat. Physically, yes, could we eat it, but it's an issue with beliefs.


That is an extremely valid point. Most people wouldn't argue with someone's religious beliefs, and in so many ways, we are in the same boat.


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